Facing the candles

So, I have been avoiding facebook and this blog for a couple of weeks because my birthday was coming up and for some reason this was the first time I was not excited, at all.  For weeks I have been thinking about the past and certain people from the past and I can't get them out of my head.  It just happened randomly and then my birthday came and my husband (who always likes to make a big deal out of my birthdays) asked what I wanted to do and I really just wanted to forget that I'm now officially in my thirties and not do anything.  It's still bothering me, but I think I know why this suddenly happened.  We are down to our last 11 months on this island.  Hawaii has become a big part of my life.  I decided to come to school here 13 years ago, after years of saying that I would only go to Syracuse University (where I got accepted by the way) because it was my dream school.  I only applied there, but later during that last year of high school, I decided I should have a backup school just in case.  When I went to a college fair, I looked for schools that were far away from Washington state. I wanted to be completely on my own.  Chaminade University was there and I applied.  When I got the acceptance letter I was excited, but not as excited as when I got the acceptance letter from Syracuse.  In the end, it was about cost and Hawaii ended up being cheaper than upstate New York.  Go figure. So, I came here, went to school, partied, was a serial dater, and then suddenly during my last year of college, I met my husband.  Everything seemed to go by so fast.  We moved, and moved, then came back, and now here we are, after almost 5 years of being back, we are down to our last 11 months.  This is the longest I've ever lived in one place and it's really become my home this time around.  It's sad and scary to think about leaving now.  This is a first for me because I have moved my entire life and I was so excited just a couple of months ago about being able to find out where we're going next (we find out in August).  I kind of feel like I belong here, but then again, that's also how I felt about Boston, so I guess it's just nerves and the next place will feel like home too, wherever it is. 

Thought of the day: During a conversation with a coworker, we talked about how some people stay in the same place forever because it's home and they're afraid of leaving, even though there might be more opportunities somewhere else.  I thought about how a lot of Natives stay on the reservations because it's home to them.  My mom left and I wouldn't be here stressed out about being 31 if she hadn't.  What makes certain people decide to leave home?  For me, it was proving to myself that I could do everything on my own and being able to take risks without worrying about what anyone else thought.  Those risks led me to where I'm at now, so moving turned out to be a good thing, but there's just something about the idea of "home" that always calls my name.  Sometimes I'm jealous of the people who grew up in one place and talk about it all the time.  But then I think about how I wouldn't have been able to experience everything I have if I hadn't moved. In the end, I'm a wanderer and I'm okay with that.